Ms Nice vs The Bitch

I just realised that if I had to choose between being Ms Nice vs The Bitch... I have to choose The Bitch... coz just being Ms Nice ain't gonna cut it no more....

No matter what I do... i i think people see me as this nice girl whom everybody can just step all over... well.. u know what!? I'm sick and tired of that... really... I think if i'm nice to everybody, i'll get the same in return... well bah humbug!

I've been patient and tolerant with my flat mate... while he continously trys to find fault with me where the apartment is concerned... where HIS dog is concerned... I've done more than enough for him but he never seems to realise that and just takes it out on me when he's having a bad time... like only he can have a bloody bad day and I can't!? Hello!!! I'm Human too...

As if I'm not getting enough bullshit from work right now!? No.. he thinks I"m having it easy here... right.. ask him come spend a day in my shoes?! I know his job is tough.. but lately.. haven't actually seen him at work... SO?!

I think it's gonna be No More Ms Nice Girl from now on... sorry but everytime.. i'm nice.. i get hurt and hurt real bad...

I think I'm happy but I'm not.. I see all my friends having fun or having someone in their lives sometimes more than one specialy someone and I think it's not fair... I've built up this wall so well that I've fooled even myself... I'm sad and lonely.. I want company but somehow it's just not my time.. everytime.. it's either, wrong guy, wrong timing, wrong place...wrong...wrong...wrong...

I throw myself into my work and keep it that way... smile and say I'm Single & Loving It! but truth is.. I do long to have somebody.. to call my 'baby'... to cuddle up with, to chill and hang out with... i've become such a good liar....

but i have to stay strong and put up the good fight... i've done it for this long.. what's a couple more years right? I'm hurting inside.. and i'm scared to let even the closest friends around me know... why? they too have their problems.. and mine is nothing compared to theirs...

Finally decided to quit smoking yesterday... today am on my 2nd day of cold turkey... it's a long day... yesterday wasn't half as bad coz i slept half the day. today i'm caving in... must hold on...

time just flies by... come 15th.. it'll be 7 months that the one guy i really did love is no longer around... i think that's part of the reason why i'm not actively looking for somebody.. coz deep down i still love him... and regret not telling him... not answering that call.. i could have been in that car with him... many things could or could not have happened... guess his path went straight to heaven... to be my angel? And mine is to stay here.. and go on... for??!!

Keith boy.. i need you to help me be strong... hope you hear my prayers... watch over me.. i know i haven't gone to see you in awhile... promise I"ll do so this Sunday... I miss you so.. and I know you know but I do love you... always have.. since many years ago... and always will... you left so abruptly... but i can only hope you're watching down on me.. down on all of us... coz we miss you... everyday...

my work day's ending.. but I have no mood to go home and face my flatmate.. and feeling like this ain't gonna put me to sleep... what am i going to do?! At least I'm lucky to have friends around me... new ones, old ones, strange ones.. haha.. but they keep me going for now.. at least.. and of course.. my grandma, my mother & my sister... 3 strong women of my family i love and respect keep me going too...

I should have caved a long time ago... i guess.. i'm a strong woman too.. comes from the Pear Tree roots of mine...

My new motto.. is 'Carpe Diem'! Seriously!